Sikander Hashmi

– No question our religion places great importance on the family and family bonds

– In sports, individual players of team sports, coaches and GMs cannot advance and succeed in their sports without teams, and teams cannot succeed and advance without leagues

– Similarly, human beings cannot properly succeed and advance in life in a holistic manner without families

– And families cannot succeed and advance properly without a positive connection to religion and spirituality

– One of the beauties of being a believer is that you know you have a purpose, an important role to play and are also given guidelines by your Creator to live your life in the best way possible while fulfilling your duties and responsibilities

– Subhan Allah, it appears many of the challenges we face as individuals and as societies today can be traced back to the collapse of the family system and the focus over the past half-century on the nuclear family (immediate family) instead of our extended families

– Very interesting article on this in the Atlantic magazine some time ago: https://www.theatlantic.com/…/the-nuclear…/605536/

– The guidance of Allah has placed rights and responsibilities for every member of the family, and the example of the Prophet ﷺ, his family and his companions has given us a practical example of how to live the guidance

– These roles and responsibilities take into account our physiological, physical, psychological and emotional makeup that Allah has given us, as males and females through the various stages of life

– This is a very important area and Allah instructs us to be careful regarding our family ties

– Allah says: – وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ الَّذِي تَسَاءَلُونَ بِهِ وَالْأَرْحَامَ ۚ And be mindful of Allah—in Whose Name you appeal to one another—and ˹honour˺ family ties. Surely Allah is ever Watchful over you. (al-Nisa, 1)

– There is no question that family life means giving up some of our own individual desires and freedoms for the sake of the family

– The Prophet ﷺ said: إِذَا أَنْفَقَ الْمُسْلِمُ نَفَقَةً عَلَى أَهْلِهِ وَهُوَ يَحْتَسِبُهَا كَانَتْ لَهُ صَدَقَةً “If a Muslim spends on their family seeking reward from Allah, it is charity for them.” (Reported by Bukhari & Muslim)

– Giving (spending wealth, time, energy) for our families is a form of charity, if the intention to please Allah

– We may not feel like sacrificing, but the reality that is becoming apparent is that when we don’t make these sacrifices, we may enjoy some short term personal benefit or feeling of freedom and liberation but in the long run, we suffer and when many of us start suffering, our communities and our society suffers as well

– Our religion has given us a beautiful balance – we must sacrifice for the sake of the well being of our families (and by extension for the benefit of society and the greater good), but there are multiple personal benefits and there is room left for personal preferences, choices and opinions

– Example:

– Child: وَوَصَّيْنَا ٱلْإِنسَـٰنَ بِوَٰلِدَيْهِ “We have commanded people to honour their parents.” (Luqman, 14)

– Duty to respect wishes of parents (in permissible matters), take care of parents when they age, highest degree of respect, good company – وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا “And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, ‘My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up [when I was] small.'” (al-Isra, 24)

– Children to be loved, playfulness encouraged, to be treated with love and mercy, taken care of, moments of joy, good education/upbringing, cannot be forced to marry, allowed personal choice in marriage (for a righteous spouse), after marriage entitled to privacy and space, once an adult: allowed to make own decisions regarding permissible matters

– Parents: Responsible for children, nurturing/care, good upbringing, BUT given times for privacy and time away from children, have authority and deserve highest degree of respect under normal circumstances, not accountable for children’s deeds after maturity (not 18 but puberty) provided they gave good upbringing, tried their best

– The Prophet ﷺ said to the father of Abu Rimthah (RA) regarding him: – أَمَا إِنَّهُ لَا يَجْنِي عَلَيْكَ ، وَلَا تَجْنِي عَلَيْهِ “He does not commit any sin to your detriment and you do not commit any sin to his detriment.” And the Messenger of Allah ﷺ recited the verse: وَلَا تَزِرُ وَازِرَةٌ وِزْرَ أُخْرَىٰ “and no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another” [al-An‘aam,164]

– Bond between husband and wife is a very special and unique bond

– Prophet ﷺ had very close, intimate relationships with wives: rest his head in lap, wipe tears and offer comfort, they would comb his hair, drink/eat from the same spot where Aisha (RA) had eaten from, intimacy/expression of love was also a regular part of their relationship

– Encouraged feeding your spouse with your own hands

– Spent time together, watching sports or other pastimes, even racing together, call with loving names

– Responsibilities split (teamwork), just like a team – cannot have everyone doing the same tasks or playing the same role, rather divide according to physiological, physical, psychological, emotional strengths

– Doesn’t make any one more or less than the other

– Primary responsibility for earning and ensuring well-being of family upon the husband, primary responsibility for nurturing the children and managing household with the wife (the team – should be supporting each other and working together towards common goal)

– Husband: expected to work and earn, duty to care for overall well-being of family members, financial responsibility, love and kindness towards wife and children, consult and work together with them, step up to fill in gaps, help out, take care of feelings, cannot harm/abuse or force haram, given opportunity to fulfill need for intimacy, a bit more authority as the head (more responsibility too)

– Wife: lead management of family and home affairs responsibly (no easy task), look after home and his interests when he’s not there, support in family affairs, respect him as head of the family, be there for him / have her need for an intimate companion fulfilled and to be loved and cherished, can have her own wealth/work/earn in an Islamically acceptable manner, provided her primary responsibilities are taken care of, her wealth does not belong to husband, not required to contribute (moderate lifestyle to live within means) and cannot be forced to contribute (her own account/money to spend as she wishes), has her own authority in areas of her responsibilities

– This is what the Sunnah teaches us; there might be individual exceptions depending on circumstances

– Can choose not to follow Sunnah and do otherwise but it will not be optimal, lack in blessings, long-term loss (unless there is no alternative)

– Today, we find ourselves in a world where the trend is to want to give less and less, but want more and more. so everyone wants the benefit of a family without having to do their part

– It’s like players on a team who want multi-million dollar contracts without performing, and want to win championships without contributing

– If you want to have the benefit of a loving stable family, which is a great benefit, you will have to do your part

عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ مَنْ سَرَّهُ أَنْ يُبْسَطَ لَهُ فِي رِزْقِهِ أَوْ يُنْسَأَ لَهُ فِي أَثَرِهِ فَلْيَصِلْ رَحِمَهُ – متفق عليه

The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever is pleased to have his provision expanded and his life span extended, then he should keep good relations of the womb (blood ties).” (Reported by Bukhari & Muslim)

– For older adults, having more or closer family members decreases the likelihood of death, according to a new study – University of Toronto study (2018)

– Of course, life and death decreed by Allah, but keeping good relations with family is a good, active choice and as a result of making that choice and its benefits, Allah may decide to extend

– Indeed if everyone does their part properly according to guidance of Allah and His Messenger ﷺ, it will lead to more stable and loving families, which will have a positive impact on society as a whole, insha Allah

– We ask Allah to grant us peace in our homes, increase our love for our family members, unite us all in goodness, bring peace love and unity to the families that are lacking it